Confused

I should be happy. I know I should be. I got what I want. She's now back with her usual favorite. I'm glad for her. I should be delighted, ecstatic, elated, gleeful, put-a-synonymous-word-for-happy-here for myself because that's just what I've been wanting to happen the whole week. Then why this heavy feeling putting me down?

Maybe he's right. I have been mean to her. Well, what did I do really? I was my usual self - I was polite, I repeated my words when I was not understood, I tried to bring up a cheerful atmosphere, I asked her with all genuine interest how was she or what did she do,  gave her follow-up questions, added information I assume she might not be familiar with, I was never late and I even talked to her more than the usual time.

I admit, there were many things I've been holding back during those times. Like I was not at my prime (haha. Really now.) Maybe during the first and the second time I was but the succeeding I wasn't. She's actually good and I know she can catch up pretty well so I stepped it up a little bit for her. Did I? Okay maybe I did it with a different intention in mind and that makes me feel guilty.

Am I supposed to be happy because someone finally appreciated me? I mean, I assume she chose me  for a good reason, aside from the convenience I sort of offered. Maybe it was a sign I'm not unlikable like I thought I am. Maybe. Probably. Then why did I try to push her away even she herself is a very nice and wonderful lady? She made me happy, that's a given but at the same time she gave me a reason to be sad. Conflicts, conflicts, conflicts of interest. And if I had to choose I don't have to think twice. But do I really have to choose?

Do I really have to choose? Answering that is irrelevant because I already had chosen. With that decision I'm digging my own grave. I'm giving myself an obsession that sooner or later I have to give up. The longer I stick to it the harder it will be for me to give it up. The harder it will be for me to give it up the more I'll break into tiny pieces once I reach the end of the line.

Going back to my dilemma, what's with this drowning feeling? I know for sure I lost a wonderful person because of my unreasonable behavior. Maybe unconsciously I'm enjoying my time with her. It was just I was blinded by the sadness that surfaces every time.I have been unfair, partial, cruel, biased, put-a-word-synonymous-to-unfair-here to her.

Again, I am supposed to be happy but i'm not.