On the Side of me - Corrinne May

I'm not the easiest person to love 
I'm often the one who lets things go unresolved 

Yet you choose to be 
On the side of me 
On the side of me 
Yet you choose to be on the side of me 
On the side of me 

I'm not too proud of some things 
I've done in my life 
The skeletons in my closet 
Are too big for me to hide 

Yet you choose to be 
On the side of me 
On the side of me 
Blessed Charity 
You're on the side of me 
On the side of me 

'Cause everyone needs a friend to hold 
When it's cold outside 
And there's no place to go 
Everyone needs a friend to hold 
All alone I cried 
There was no place to go 
I remember when nobody cared 
But you 

I'm not the easiest person to love
But you, you've opened your heart to show me what I'm worth

'Cause you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me
What a mystery
You're on the side of me
On the side of me

'Cause everyone needs a friend to hold
When it's cold outside
And there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
All alone I cried
There was no place to go

I remember when nobody cared
I remember when nobody cared
Nobody cared
But you...

Yeah you choose to be
On the side of me
On the side of me

**I wish someday someone can dedicate this song for me.

My First Job Interview Part 1

It was a such a short notice. I was on my way home approximately 6:30pm Thursday, just after my last mock board exam day from my university, that Mama called me (which I missed). I was worried that something must have come up. Usually Mama would just send me a text message than a call. So as I reached home I asked her what's with the immediate call about. She said the company I applied for sent her a text message (I wrote her mobile number as my contact number because I didn't have my phone back then due to some unfortunate event while on the train) 4:30 that afternoon saying I have a scheduled exam and interview the next day at 8:30 am. Upon hearing it, my head was reeling.

What should I do? Should I go? But I promised my previous employer I'll return to the firm right after the board exam. Which should I choose? These questions instantly filled my mind. But Mama was dead decided that I should go for the interview. I thought, yeah, why not? I mean there's no assurance I'll be accepted. So I risked it.

There's not much preparations to be done except from 'beautifying' my CV. Argh. I hate doing it. I've added my 'achievements' for the past year with my 'job experiences'. As I was doing it I was thinking I wonder if employers really get fooled with these kinds of writings. I mean a well-composed CV can look good even without much achievements. Sigh. No matter how averse I was in the thought of doing it I still finished it. I even added my photo. Eew. Photos? For real?? I wouldn't have put it if they hadn't required it. I had my T.O.R. and portfolio laid on the table so I'll just pick them up for the next day. I asked my friend the favor of printing my CV who's also in for the interview.

Then came 'the day'. I woke up around 4:30 am though I still lingered on the sofa for a while before doing my thing. As I was about to leave I realized I wasn't prepared for the interview. What if they asked me why did I apply for their company? What do I know about them? What am I expecting when I am given the chance to work with them? Why would they accept me? Crap. Crap. Crap. I was just unprepared for the event. I thought I can still browse through the internet to know about their condominiums and their other ventured businesses. (The company is REALLY big). Even if I felt like a samurai without his katana or an archer without his bow and arrow I still pursued the interview. I abandoned the idea of researching the internet because doing so will make me late. I don't want to make a bad impression. I just asked Mama to research for me then text me some information about the company right away. I left the house around 6am.

Ah. This is too long. I'll just chop it up in parts. The juicy details for the next entry.

Kizuna - Kamenashi Kazuya

The most decent video I saw of this song though he only sang a part of it. Kamenashi Kazuya -- what can I say? I'm melting! Currently my eye candy, neither his voice and acting is superb but who cares? I so like him! As for the English translation, I'm still on it. I want the most believable translation. Though in one of the videos i saw kizuna is something like a bond. Maybe of friendship? Yeah maybe that's why this song is an OST of Gokusen. Kamenashi Kazuya -- you're so *out of words*! Someone to stalk, I mean to look out for. *dreamy eyes*

I want to..

I want to drive along a tree-lined road at twilight when the sky is navy blue and pink at the same time while listening to an acoustic playlist. That will be so wonderful. *dreamy eyes* The only thing that can make it better is having someone I love beside me while I'm at it. *dreamier eyes*

Confused

I should be happy. I know I should be. I got what I want. She's now back with her usual favorite. I'm glad for her. I should be delighted, ecstatic, elated, gleeful, put-a-synonymous-word-for-happy-here for myself because that's just what I've been wanting to happen the whole week. Then why this heavy feeling putting me down?

Maybe he's right. I have been mean to her. Well, what did I do really? I was my usual self - I was polite, I repeated my words when I was not understood, I tried to bring up a cheerful atmosphere, I asked her with all genuine interest how was she or what did she do,  gave her follow-up questions, added information I assume she might not be familiar with, I was never late and I even talked to her more than the usual time.

I admit, there were many things I've been holding back during those times. Like I was not at my prime (haha. Really now.) Maybe during the first and the second time I was but the succeeding I wasn't. She's actually good and I know she can catch up pretty well so I stepped it up a little bit for her. Did I? Okay maybe I did it with a different intention in mind and that makes me feel guilty.

Am I supposed to be happy because someone finally appreciated me? I mean, I assume she chose me  for a good reason, aside from the convenience I sort of offered. Maybe it was a sign I'm not unlikable like I thought I am. Maybe. Probably. Then why did I try to push her away even she herself is a very nice and wonderful lady? She made me happy, that's a given but at the same time she gave me a reason to be sad. Conflicts, conflicts, conflicts of interest. And if I had to choose I don't have to think twice. But do I really have to choose?

Do I really have to choose? Answering that is irrelevant because I already had chosen. With that decision I'm digging my own grave. I'm giving myself an obsession that sooner or later I have to give up. The longer I stick to it the harder it will be for me to give it up. The harder it will be for me to give it up the more I'll break into tiny pieces once I reach the end of the line.

Going back to my dilemma, what's with this drowning feeling? I know for sure I lost a wonderful person because of my unreasonable behavior. Maybe unconsciously I'm enjoying my time with her. It was just I was blinded by the sadness that surfaces every time.I have been unfair, partial, cruel, biased, put-a-word-synonymous-to-unfair-here to her.

Again, I am supposed to be happy but i'm not.

My favorite

I know I shouldn't play favorites but it's impossible not to. I mean it's like asking a pastry chef just to settle with an all-purpose flour than go looking for flour cake for a wedding cake or a designer opting for a ceramic tile finish than a granite for a counter in a P200,000-worth project. It's just plain hard.

What does favorite mean anyway? It can be a person, a thing, an event, an animal, an emotion, a condition, a fill-in-a-word-here that

• makes you feel damn happy.
• you'd choose above and over so many things in just a blink of an eye
• you consider significant in your life
• you're willing to sacrifice for 
• you want to keep for yourself, never mind sharing
• you're willing to work hard for
• can make you change your values if necessary
• can control you sometimes in ways more than one
• can drown you in misery if you don't have it

It sounded more like an addiction than just favoritism! But that's how I see it.

Especially having a special person, it's really a pathetic condition to be in. It's like putting your source happiness in just a sole person. The euphoria you get when you have him is the same degree of depression you'll fall into if you didn't have him. Not knowing how to control your emotions can make you go berserk. Oooh. It really sound like an addiction. But then again, control. Or better yet, try to diversify the source of your happiness so you'll have some back-up that'll cheer you up when you don't have one. Still, it's impossible not to point out your most favorite among the list of your favorites. Such a complicated thing, The hierarchy goes on and on.

So to my favorite people, don't worry, I don't bite. Thank you for making me happy. I hope you can make it everyday.*smile* And for the times you made me sad for not having you, it's okay, I deal with it like a sane person. I think. A simple hi can elevate me from depression. It won't hurt, will it?

Hey, this really sounds like an addiction.

Addicted

I'm not mean though I can be if I want to and if the situation calls. I have a heart though I try to hide it from people because some might see it as a sign of weakness. I don't easily like people nor trust them. But once I did, it'll be like an alcoholic to a beer.

Trouble Sleeping - Corinne Bailey Rae

 
It's late and I'm feeling so tired
Having trouble sleeping
This constant compromise
Between thinking and breathing

Could it be I'm suffering
Because I'll never give in
Won't say that I'm falling in love

Please, please, tell me
I don't see myself
Couldn't I blame something else
No, don't say, yeah
Don't say I'm falling in love

Some kind of therapy is all I need
Please believe me
Some instant remedy
That can cure me completely

Could it be I'm suffering
Because I'll never give in
Won't say that I'm falling in love

Please, please, tell me
I don't see myself
Couldn't I blame something else
No, don't say, yeah
Please don't say I'm falling in love

'Cause I've been there before
And it's not enough
So nobody say it

Don't even say it
I've got my eyes shut
Oh, no, oh, no, not enough

Could it be I'm suffering
Because I'll never give in
Won't say that I'm falling in love

Please, please, tell me
I don't see myself
Couldn't I blame something else
No, don't say, yeah
Please don't say I'm falling in love

Don't say that I'm falling in love
Don't say that I'm falling in love
Don't say that I'm falling in love
Don't say that I'm falling in love

Couldn't I blame something else
Falling in love

Don't say, don't say
Don't say, don't say
Falling in love

Don't say that I'm falling in love
Don't say that I'm falling in love
Don't say that I'm falling in love
Don't say that I'm falling in love
Don't say that I'm falling in love

It's the time of the month

If you know what I mean. It's totally distracting. Wasn't able to review because of it. Well, yeah I watched half-day my new addiction but I had the perfect atmosphere this afternoon and it ruined it. Now it's flaring up again. Can it be the reason I've been emotional these past few days? Hormonal roller coaster? Can it be? Could it be? Wah. I'm hoping I'm wrong. Still this throbbing feeling is bothering me, BIG TIME.

Assumptions and Pretentions

Yes, these two are a bad combination. But I think, I'm doing it unconsciously because I'll avoid it if I know it'll be painful in the end. Sigh! And this is not about love. Hmm, yes, love but not the romantic kind. And yes I miss you even if I know you don't feel the same. Que sera sera.

Call it over-reacting I don't care.

Call it over-reacting I don't care.

I saw in passing a video in the news showing a Bosnian lady throwing two black puppies to the river. I cried. She really should be punished. She doesn't have soul. How could she do it? The puppies are innocent. She could have given it to a shelter. I hate animal cruelty. I hate people who are cruel to animals.